I never wanted to have kids….until I did…and then I didn’t, and now I do.

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I just read a very touching post from Scary Mommy about what it’s like for woman who never wanted to have kids. The writer asked that more people like her shared their story, so here I am.

When I was 15, I KNEW I shouldn’t have kids. I was too selfish. All of that was true then, and I can’t really dispute it now.

When I was 17, I spent the summer babysitting my cousin’s newborn. I KNEW I NEEDED a baby! What could be more amazing than viewing the world through those brand new eyes? Every month became a gamble of whetther or not I took my birth control pills regularly and whether or not I was sexually active or in a relationship or happy or concerned when my period wasn’t there the moment I thought it should be.

When I was 19, I got pregnant. I still desperately wanted a baby, but I hadn’t exactly intended to make that dream a reality just yet. I had just recently gotten engaged, and the due date was inconveniently close to the wedding date we’d been eyeballing. We moved things up a few months and it was very exciting. Until 2 years later when I realized that was not the life I wanted and why in the hell are children allowed to make adult decisions?

But I already had a baby and that was a good thing because otherwise, I would have still been a child pretending to make adult decisions with no comprehension of their effects. That feeling persisted for a long time, and still happens from time to time even though I’m in my 30’s.

No matter what happened, my time with just one child was amazing. Of course there were tough moments, but it was amazing.

Then I found myself in a new relationship and it was pretty good and another baby seemed like the thing to seal the deal. So I “wanted” that one — our pregnancy was “intended” and while our relationship had rocky times, everything about baby #2 was great.

But then the rocky times turned into mountains and canyons and earthquakes and I had no idea what was going on. I wondered wtf was wrong with me/us for even having the kid(s) we had. And it was like a total shocker to me that I ended up pregnant with #3. He said he planned it; like it was a way to create order out of the chaos we were in. I vacillated between feeling like a complete idiot, like he had hammered another nail into the coffin that was our broken relationship, and like it was the best thing ever/a chance to do things right after everything had seemed so wrong.

Finally, a few months after being a mom of 3, I knew that no matter what, we were all in it together. So then it was just like, “Well three kids is nucking futz, four can’t be any crazier,” and just like that, we were expecting our fourth. He’s two now and I have never been more excited for the tubal ligation I have scheduled next month.

I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’m here. Every day is filled with moments when my heart is so full I think it will burst, and also with moments when I feel guilty for doing something I always knew I’d never be any good at. I don’t have anything wise or clever to say, but to anyone else who ever felt anything like this…or that…you’re not alone. And the world keeps spinning, so don’t let your worries stop you.