I just can’t relate, and it pisses me off!

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Man, I’m not a horrible person.  I have flaws like everyone else.  I have room for improvement.  So I read lots of blogs about parenting and cooking and housekeeping, etc…  There is so much helpful info out there and it is so great but SHIIIIIIIIIIIIITT!

Hearing all these cheerful ladies talk about the best thing ever that totally changed their lives, from making fermented drinks on their kitchen counters to throwing out their kids’ toys and not yelling anymore, and its great advice, and the people giving it seem genuinely humble and I bear them no ill will and I do appreciate what they have to say.  I just can’t relate!

What does an average day look like for me?

I co-sleep with my 10 month old baby boy (my man works nights so there is plenty of room in the bed) so I am at least not usually up too much during the night.  I like to try and pass it off as an example of my excellent attachment parenting, but really, I just don’t want to get up with the baby and struggle to make him sleep on his own, I really like sleep!  At 6:30AM, my 9 year old has already gotten herself dressed and ready for school and goes downstairs to clean up the kitchen and make her own breakfast.  Sounds awesome, right?  Really, she wakes up before the sun for who knows why and putters around her room for an hour; we’ve mandated that she wait until 6:30 before exiting her bedroom.  Then there’s the whole “clean up the kitchen” bit….I suck at housekeeping, so I’ve tried to delegate the workload, but she’s the only one I can boss around, and she’s a total slacker who does the bare minimum to get by and thinks I won’t notice.  I do.  I get mad because she hasn’t done a good job at what I didn’t want to do in the first place.  Ironic isn’t it?

So I stagger downstairs with the baby shortly after her, change a diaper, and look at the clock while saying a silent prayer that the other 2 kids don’t wake up until she makes it out the door to catch her bus.  This prayer goes unanswered.  Usually after I get the baby changed, I’ve been trying to ignore the 3 year old’s stomps and shouts from his room (where he waits to come out of until Mom or Dad opens the door) and grudgingly stomp back up the stairs to escort him down.  Another diaper change is required because he still isn’t potty trained.

I vainly attempt to keep these 3 kids quiet as the man of the house is trying to sleep after working all night when the 5 year old peeks her head downstairs.  *The 9 year old heads out the door to catch her bus.  I imagine that I serve the three remaining youngsters a healthy breakfast, but in reality, I throw Cheerios at them while checking my email.

The golden moment comes when it is not so early to put them in the van that I will be forced to drive around the block an undefined amount of times before dropping the 5 year old off at preschool but it is not so late that she will miss the “well balanced breakfast” they provide at school.  I am finally down to just 2 kids for a few hours and contemplate the best way to spend our time; how to keep little boys quiet so the big boy (man of the house) can sleep while not blowing excessive amounts of money shopping, dining out, or participating in ‘family friendly’ events and resisting the urge to let them loose in the woods and watch nature run its course.  Of course I love my offspring and want no ill-will to befall them, but after being asked “Why?” 57,435 times before I’ve had a chance to eat breakfast… sometimes I sound a bit crass.

I engage in a daily gamble of trying to keep the 3 year old quiet and let the baby take a mid-morning nap – or I forgo the mid-morning nap and am faced with the noon-hour debacle of keeping the baby awake while driving to preschool to pick up the 5 year old.  If the baby naps on the drive, he won’t nap at home until between 2-3 pm, and the big girl returns from school shortly after 3, almost guaranteed to disrupt naptime no matter what.

If I’m lucky, I threw some food in a crock pot sometime earlier that day.  If it’s a less than lucky average day, I am praying there is a box of macaroni and cheese in the pantry and maybe some baby carrots in the fridge so I can tell myself it’s a well-balanced meal.  An hour of  Netflix and no less than 3 time outs later, I am watching the clock like a hawk, counting down until bedtime and then I am finally blessed with the opportunity to sweep the floor and ponder the necessity of mopping.  I usually decide it isn’t worth and crawl into bed (alongside the baby) ready to rinse and repeat in a few short hours….

*Honestly, I started writing this post 3 months ago.  I just quit reading other mommy bloggers/advice givers since then….along with giving up most of my hopes and dreams! Ha ha…sort of…

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Everything Changes

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When you’re young and stupid and can’t possibly comprehend how kids will change your life – I’ve been there and done that.  I swore up an down at 15 that I should never have kids – I was too self-centered to be any good as a parent.  That may or may not have been true, but I have FOUR kids now, count’em:  1,2,3,4!  They’re great and life is as great as it can be with FOUR KIDS! 

The changes have been mind boggling, mind blowing, etc…so on and so forth.  There are countless blogs and articles and clever, quirky posts about the way life is after having babies.

But seriously?  “Having babies” is a fucking lie – or misconception at least.  Because those cute little, sweet little, innocent little “babies” grow.  They grow non-stop.  They grow into obnoxious little know-it-all, exhibiting your worst habits, darned rotten awful amazing little independent beings that you never could have expected even though they remind you so much of yourself it scares the bejeesus out of you…things! 

I just went to the bathroom and while I stared at the Spiderman pajama pants on my bathroom floor, and thought of the Spiderman mask in our toy box (actually, I have no idea where the thing is.  It should be in our toy box but who really knows?) and then thought of the Spiderman balloon toy we thought we might get at Denny’s this morning from a balloon animal maker but didn’t because she went on break before we left so now we have to go back to Denny’s until we get the damn thing…I wondered, “I know how having babies changes things, even how having young kids changes things, but what on God’s green earth is life gonna be like as these things grow???”  Will Spiderman ever matter as little to me as he used to?  Because since having kids, everything has changed.  Will it ever change back?